A month into this writing project and a common theme has developed: finding value and capitalizing on it where others fail to do so. With that in mind, I’ve been thinking a lot about communication and more specifically, language. Whether we realize it or not, we all alter our speech depending on our audience (think about the last child you spoke with vs. the last person wearing a suit). It may be subtle, but internally our brains have precalculated what language and style will best resonate with the person we’re speaking. The problem is that this automatic mental system doesn’t necessarily calibrate to what our goals are…and that’s where disaster looms. Disaster is a strong word, but it seems appropriate in referencing the creation of a blindspot where you think you’re communicating well and your audience thinks the complete opposite.
WHAT IS YOUR GOAL?
When talking to that child your tone likely reflects a softness that aims to connect and build trust or show caring. When talking to someone with higher status, we’ll often reach for more academic language than we’d use amongst friends or peers. But, this just isn’t effective and can be extremely phony if you aren’t true to your goals. Are you trying to build trust with the child or are you just uncomfortable with children so you speak to them the way others spoke to you when you were a kid? That kid is going to see right through you.
The most obvious example on the status side that we see time and time again is that of the all-too-confident expert…let’s use a real estate agent in this case. Their goal is to sell you a house, but often their egos step in and leapfrog that objective because they’d prefer to first let you know how smart they are, thinking the sale is more about them than it is the property: “You’re looking at a borderline Class A structure with a Price/SF that is above market and if you compare the QRR to the RBA you can really take advantage of these beautiful common areas.” ??? huh??? What language is that? This is a bit of an exaggeration but when someone comes out ego-first, the primary goal is harder to achieve…and instead of that person pulling us in we look for ways to distance ourselves.
This obviously isn’t limited to the real estate business and odds are we all do something similar at times. Overzealous car salesmen fit the stereotype about as well as anyone. In these cases, language is intentionally used to try to portray an essence of expertise…to create the appearance of exaggerated value. Similarly, people in authority will go this route when they lack confidence and want to hide insecurity, often when challenged or feeling pressure and instead of looking to gather information they’re looking for a shortcut that makes them feel (and appear) more confident, but it’s empty. Immediately quoting policy and contract/lease language when faced with a human dilemma is ego first, solution second. No bueno.
IT ALL BEGINS AND ENDS WITH YOUR EARS
Those who fail to build relationships and earn trust through their communication style are almost always very poor listeners. Former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss has gone on to a successful career as an academic and author, writing Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depends On It, in 2018. As the lead international kidnapping negotiator earlier in his career, we can safely conclude he’s an expert on listening and communication.
First off, Voss describes life as being full of negotiations: “I want” situations that all hinge on our own abilities to negotiate and understand other people’s objectives and desires. His number one piece of advice: “Let the other side go first”.
This may sound counterintuitive, but not if you prioritize listening. He continues,
“You should engage the process with a mindset of discovery. Your goal at the outset is to extract and observe as much information as possible.”
If your ego gets in the way, this is impossible. You always go first and you always plant seeds before learning anything from the other party. If you’ve been on the other side of this, you know how terrible it feels. You’re trying to tell someone what it is you need or how you feel and their ears are plugged by their own mouth. You leave the conversation feeling far worse than you did when it began. You don’t value this person’s leadership or expertise, regardless of what skills they might have to offer. As a successful business person, who values relationships, you can’t afford to make this mistake. It belittles all of your strengths and past successes.
EDUCATION AS A MODEL
American public education has changed in many ways over the last two decades and inclusionary teaching has been a big part of it. Because classrooms and the academic levels of students are more varied than ever, the modern teacher relies on “differentiation of instruction” to best meet the needs of all students. At the heart of differentiation is a simple idea: meet the kids where they are.
This simple approach needs to be applied far beyond the classroom. In our businesses, in sales, in working with third party vendors and tenants alike, we need to be more attuned to the importance of meeting people where they are in terms of our language and communication. If a tenant isn’t computer literate, we need to know that and adjust communication accordingly. But we never learn what people’s strengths and weaknesses are…if we don’t listen.
BE LIKE ROGER WILLIAMS
Outside of Rhode Island and Southern New England, very few people are familiar with Roger Williams and his story. Williams was an English preacher who came to Massachusetts Bay Colony in 1631 to find that colonial leadership there and in nearby Plymouth Plantations was far too authoritarian and not nearly separatist enough (from the Church of England) for his liking. He was outwardly critical of the overlap of civil leadership and religious authority and outspoken about the un-Christlike treatment of Native peoples in the area…so naturally, they kicked him out.
He made his way to Narragansett Bay (present-day Rhode Island), home to the most dense native populations in New England and no European settlements or trading posts. But Williams decided to make this his home as he was “intensely curious about the natives and wanted to learn all he could about their way of life…he went to teach as well as to learn”.1 It is said that he spoke and understood native languages better than any white man in American colonial history and he later captured the language and culture of the local Natives in his A Key into the Language of America. Williams made a living getting to know and understand an undervalued population and it led to great opportunities, both in business and in his religious endeavors. He was at the center of all trade in the region and he achieved great success and respect for one reason: the Narragansett and other native groups trusted him. He was a highly effective communicator because he cared to listen and consistently tried to learn from the other party.
Ironically, Roger Williams was in especially high demand for this “indispensable” relationship by none other than the Massachusetts Puritans, who’d kicked him out for being a thorn in their side. As was mentioned at the top, the key is to find value and capitalize where others fail to do so…and it all too often begins with a willingness to listen.
Notes:
https://www.blackswanltd.com/our-team/chris-voss
God, Government, and Roger Williams’ Big Idea
Voss, Chris. Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It. HarperCollins, 2018.
Warren, James A. God, War, and Providence. Scribner, 2018.
Warren, 45